30 expensive

i ugly cried today for the first time in a few weeks (i am a cryer, this is a long time for me). trigger warning if you cannot listen to or read about ab insanely privileged person complaining (about anything) because kim, there’s people that are dying, this is not for you and your apple watch might notify you of your pulse reaching unhealthy levels. it’s not good for you!

i have an apartment renovation that is reaching costs i’ve never agreed to, my therapist raised her rates and just notified me, my tax person told me i have sent the wrong things a day before the deadline even though i sent everything off in april and just got a „thank you“ reply back then, and i got two more price offers on things i’m producing or working on that are just outrageous, knowing that i am paying for them myself and not with a brand as sponsor. i take everything as a personal attack, people want to rip me off. people think i am a billionaire, everybody wants to use me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am the victim!!!!!!! i don’t know where my extreme reaction or panic comes from.

after giving myself five minutes to cry, i am ready to self regulate and face reality. which is, my life is not real. my budgets aren’t real. i have been given a life, and have enhanced it greatly too, that asks for high prices, on both ends. if i hold my own hand and dare to step out of my victim mentality that screams everyone wants to exploit me, i do have to realise, it’s fair enough, really. i have a podcast where i openly talk about prices and my rates as an influencer, discuss jobs i am saying no to, declining checks for very insignificant reasons, that no other person in my position (or in their right mind…) would turn down, i talk about buying an apartment, and share other pretty transparent stories on my way to „success“. my instagram is rick owens, margiela, life between berlin and new york, constant travel, campaigns! what do i expect? for people to give me discounts? for anyone to have empathy for me? empathy for what exactly? i opened tiktok today and see a big podcaster getting cancelled (whatever that means i think the world cancelled has lost its literary meaning) for advertising a job and the internet is upset about the salary for the job. i haven’t opened any reddit threads about myself since may of 2024, which has improved my life greatly (10/10 would recommend to a friend), and one of the last things i’ve read about myself is that is advertised on my instagram that i was looking for an assistant for no pay. i read through the thread and just thought….. in what world would i be dumb enough to post such evil intentions online? if i wanted to get into forced labour i would’ve maybe kept that on the DL. people will string together stories about you based on nothing, from „she’s not paying her assistant“ to „she’s paying five million dollars for her apartment“, and why do i expect people to know the facts, considering how i portray myself online? the industry i work in is based around hot air, and i have created my own steam in the last years, which luckily has resulted in real life jobs and opportunities. i cannot just have one edge of the sword, the high payments. with pushing out my own propaganda of how successful, and expensive, i am, i should not be surprised that people to also raise their prices on me. with each insane invoice proposal that lands in my email folders, on whatever project to am working on, my new goal is to shift my mindset from offended to „damn, they think i got it like that“. and i do, so i want to stop acting like a single bill disrupts my house of cards. there is no house of cards, unless i catastrophise in a way that manifests me never booking a single job ever again. my number one lesson i learned about money is that you can’t see it as the enemy, because why would you want the enemy in your life, or in your house. if you are afraid of it, you manifest the opposite. if you want to receive big checks you also have to be able to give them out. and the same way i am worth my price, why would i judge anyone else who’s giving me theirs? i have been incredibly delusional when it comes to manifesting my own career, and seeing these invoices today also shows me it’s all real, i am where i said i was two years ago, but when it was kind of a half truth. people perceive me in the way i have always wanted to be perceived and i am grateful for that.

maybe now i have to learn to negotiate though.